Trusting Jay: (A Chicago Suits Romance) (Loving Jay Book 1) Read online

  “I didn’t mean for you to get hurt.”

  “Were you ever going to tell me?”

  “I…”

  “Don’t answer, because I don’t care what your answer is.” I turned and looked straight into his eyes. “James.”

  He recoiled at my use of his name. His real name. James lifted his hand and stroked my hair. I spun my chair back away from him. Denying him the look on my face. The look of hurt. The look I’ve had before.

  “Come on Abbie, I can take you away from this. Shield you from any fallout. It will go away. Things always go away. This will become a distant memory.”

  The hurt melded into anger. “It’s on the internet. Nothing on the internet goes away. Ever!”

  “It will. I will make this go away.”

  “You can’t.”

  “I can. It will. People are scrubbing the email. Staff have been notified that anyone saving it or emailing it on will immediately be terminated.”

  “And you? Will you go away too? Because I never want to see your lying face again!”

  He was the same as Matt. How did I become involved with me two men who lied about who they were? Made up a complete personality. A complete history. I don’t know anything about either of them. Didn’t know who they really were, only who they made up.

  Jay rested his hands on my shoulders. My body curled in response, trying to escape his touch. But he left them there, the weight heavy on me.

  “I need you in my life. I waited so many years, watched you from afar. Wanting you.”

  “But,” I struggled to get his words straight in my head. An entire new set of alarm bells screamed through my head. “But I’ve only worked here six months.”

  James exhaled through his nose. I waited for an answer but none came. Instead he spun my chair around back to face him and crouched down looking straight into my eyes. I closed my eyes His hand stroked my cheek and cupped my face. I refused to open my eyes.

  “I can fix this. I can make this right.”

  “No you can’t. How can you make it right? There is nothing you can do. I will never forgive you.” My voice got quieter with each word. “You have ruined my career. You have ruined my life.” I didn’t have to strength to add how he’d hurt me the most.

  “Abbie, your career isn’t ruined, not at all. You’re amazing, you’re smart, you’re intelligent. And your career is going to be fantastic.”

  “No it isn’t. No one will hire me now. They’ll think I have no ability, that I just sleep my way to the top and nothing more. They’ll only hire me for that purpose.”

  “That’s not going to happen.” His voice had been firm and metered every time he opened his mouth. A stark contrast to my own.

  I took a few breaths to calm myself before speaking again. “You took the file from my desk, didn’t you?”

  “Of course. You didn’t. I had to get rid of him and I needed the file to do it.”

  “You only wanted to get rid of him to promote me! Because I’m fucking you!”

  “No. I wanted to get rid of him because he’s incompetent. I wanted you promoted because you’re good at your job.”

  At least that part is true. I am good at my job. I’m just going to have to move far away if I ever want to get one again. To somewhere that doesn’t have the internet yet. Like Timbuktu.

  The anger rose from the pit of my stomach again. How could he do this to me? How did I let him?

  “What were you thinking when I screamed the name Jay as I came?” I tried to keep my voice low, but I was yelling by the time I got to his name. His fake name.

  “I won't apologize for that Abbie. There were reasons, good reasons and you need to understand that.”

  His words hit me in my ribcage and I hyperventilated.

  “You would not say that if you knew what Matt put me through.” I pushed each word out one by one, between my rapid breaths.

  “I know.”

  “No you don’t. You don’t understand at all or you’d never hurt me like this!” I stood, but his body trapped me behind my desk.

  “Abbie,” he said, placing his hands on my waist, “I know he hurt you. I am not him.”

  “But you’re just as bad as him.”

  “No I’m not.”

  “Matt destroyed me. And I thought there was just a little, tiny chance that I could be resurrected when I met you, but now, James, now I know there’s no hope.”

  I tried to push past him. I needed out of there. Needed air. Needed Sam. Needed Jenny. He didn’t release me from his grip, his hands on my waist stopped my escape.

  I stopped worrying about keeping my voice down. “Let me go. Leave. I never want to see you again.”

  My eyes flicked through the glass, aware of more and more people on the other side of it. Looking in at me. Laughing at me. At least the humiliation Matt caused was only private. This is a public humiliation, and worse.

  As if reading my mind, James said, “Don’t worry about them, they don’t know. They only know we have a relationship.”

  “Had,” I said, my voice seething.

  “Walk out of here with me. With my arm around you. I’ll take you away and we’ll get through this.” The comment caught me off guard and a wicked laughed emanated from my belly.

  “We will not get through this Jay. I will not walk out of here with you. There is no us!” I waved my hands above my head, then tried to shove him off of me.

  At the contact of my hands with his chest, he let go of me. He held his hands in front of him as he backed out from behind my desk. I grabbed my purse and hurried out the door, into Sam’s waiting arms.

  She held my head to her chest and pushed us past the spectators.

  38

  Sam held me all the way to my condo. I leaned into her, trusting her while I was blinded from my tears. Jenny arrived not long after and rushed to comfort me.

  “My life is over,” I said between sobs.

  “No, it isn’t sweetie, I promise,” Jenny said, rubbing my back.

  “Why did I ever agree to go to dinner with him?”

  “Because you were attracted to him. And it didn’t work out. The end,” Sam said.

  I turned to look at her through my watery eyes, “Yes, the end. No relationship. No career. No money to pay my mortgage. Only a big, gaping wound made by Matt and pissed in by Jay.”

  “They’re different,” Jenny said.

  “But he lied about who he was, just the way Matt did.”

  “But his reason for lying was different. He lied to protect himself. Understandably. Whereas Matt…” Jenny’s voice trailed off.

  “Matt lied to take advantage of me. Just like Jay.”

  “I don’t know that that’s what Jay did,” Jenny said.

  “Unbelievable. You’re taking his side?"

  “No. Not at all. I’m just pointing out his motivation.”

  “His motivation doesn't matter, he still lied. Confirmed my belief in all men. I don’t know why I ever let you convince me to go out with him. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be hurt right now.”

  “But you had so much fun,” Jenny said.

  “Sure, until his lie was exposed all over the internet! I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m on the six o’clock news.”

  “And Facebook,” Sam added, bringing us mugs of coffee.

  “Fucking Facebook. Everyone will know. Everyone I went to high school with. To college with. People I haven’t even met yet.”

  “What will they know? That you, Abbie White, scored with a hot billionaire. That’s it. And they’ll be jealous,” Sam said.

  I sat straighter and wiped my eyes. Maybe that’s true. My public humiliation is only limited to me looking like an employee sleeping with the boss. Explicitly. Naked in the photo as I straddled him topless in the woods. Thank God I’d still had my jeans on.

  The memory made me smile. “It was an amazing day.”

  “I’d guess so, naked in the woods with a man like him,” Sam said smiling at me.

  T
he memory fell away. “What do I do now?”

  “You don’t think you can go back to Force McAllister?” Jenny asked

  “No way.”

  “You have your promotion, a secure paycheck. You have so much enthusiasm for this new position,” Sam said.

  “But everyone would know. Everyone has seen me naked and fucking the CEO. There’s no way I can face them again. Besides, I’m staying as far away from Jay as possible.”

  “It’s a huge company. There’s a thousand people, you wouldn’t have to go anywhere near him,” Sam said stroking my forearm. But her words had exploded into me. One thousand people have seen me topless. I broke down again.

  The intercom buzzed, and I felt the color drain from my face.

  “If that’s Jay, don’t let him up,” I managed to say between sobs.

  “Of course, honey.”

  “Delivery for A. White.”

  Jenny buzzed him up. I knew what it would be. Some fancy, expensive gift from Jay, trying to buy my forgiveness. There’s nothing Jay. James. Nothing. I’d reject the delivery and have it sent back to him, except I didn’t have the strength to drag myself from the couch.

  Sam clasped my hand while we waited. Jenny appeared in front of us, a look of surprise on her face.

  A man walked behind her, carrying a vase so large he was hugging it in his arms. The vase was full of yellow roses. Another man appeared behind him, carrying a vase just as large, this one full of lilies. A third man came in, his vase full of a mixed bouquet. And a fourth, and a fifth. Their vases full of tulips and sunflowers.

  My living room was stuffed with the vases, and barely any room left over for the people in it to stand.

  The men left and returned, so the first man had left but now reappeared, with another vase. This one full of pink asters. The second man came back carrying a vase of purple things I didn’t know the name of. The living room was full, and they had to put some in the bedroom.

  By the time the fifth man reappeared with another vase, he had to leave it in the entranceway. I couldn’t help but laugh. My condo looked like a florist’s.

  The first man reappeared again, and I wondered how many more vases were going to arrive. The vases didn’t stop coming until there was no room to squeeze even one more stem. They’d put two in the bathroom, covered every inch of my kitchen counter, and left a narrow path to squeeze through to the front door.

  Once the deliverymen left, Sam and Jenny ended up dragging over half of the vases into the hallway, to create some space in my condo.

  I welcomed the overwhelming scent that swirled around the room, somehow it comforted me. Though I could never forgive Jay, I appreciated the gesture. The thing that struck me most about the flowers was that none of them had a card. No note. Nothing. I guess he knew there was nothing he could say.

  We ordered pizza for dinner. When it arrived, we had to open the oven and set the box in there, because there was no space to put the box. We turned the television on to watch a movie, but much of the screen was blocked by sprigs of flowers.

  “I’m staying over tonight,” Jenny announced.

  I had stopped crying by then, but was drained. The life had been sucked from me. I’m glad she offered, I didn’t want to be alone. I needed to feel loved from someone. And I needed her to monitor my intercom. I was still nervous about Jay turning up at my condo.

  “I’d stay too, but,” Sam looked around the room, “There’s no room with all these flowers.”

  “Are you going to go to work tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know, I should come back here.”

  “You’ll be bombarded with questions about me, you know that, right?”

  “I don’t care. You know I can handle myself. Maybe I should go in. No, I’m definitely going in. Someone’s got to be there on your side.”

  My heart swelled at her words. I was so lucky to have such great friends. That’s all I need in life.

  My phone beeped. It had to be Jay. I hadn’t heard from him all day. Maybe he was letting me clear my head. Maybe he thought I’d calm down and get over it. No Jay, I wouldn’t. I picked up my phone but was trembling so badly I couldn’t hit the message icon. Sam took it from my hand and opened it for me.

  Let’s talk. J.

  “No fucking way,” I blurted. Sam typed what I said then added several exclamation marks before hitting send. Even though he deserved much harsher words, my stomach felt queasy at the thought of him reading the text.

  “There, he should get the picture,” Sam said.

  We sat for a few minutes, all of us staring at the phone, but he didn’t text again.

  I barely slept and often woke, only to become aware of Jenny holding me tight. Each time the weight her her arm comforted me enough to fall back asleep. At least for a short while.

  She was still asleep when I awoke around six. I didn’t want to wake her, so tiptoed around the flowers and into the living room. My phone was still sitting on the coffee table from last night, and I picked it up, my heart pounding as I looked for a response from Jay. But there was none.

  There’s no way I wanted anything to do with him. To ever see him again. Still, it might be nice if he groveled a bit. At least showed some regret for what he did.

  I sat and absentmindedly surfed the internet on my phone, being careful to avoid any websites that might have my story. Like Buzzfeed or Perez Hilton. Man, I love those sites, but this is exactly the kind of story they love. Instead I watched a load of silly animal videos on YouTube.

  Jenny appeared about an hour later.

  “Hey, how are you?”

  “As you’d expect.”

  She sat on the sofa, squished up against me and together we watched a cat have a bath and a dog play with a bird.

  “You know, you can stay here as long as you need, hiding and recovering. No one will expect anything more of you.”

  “Good, I intend to. Except I have to pay my bills. How am I going to manage?”

  “You don’t need to worry about that right now. Force McAllister isn’t going to stop paying you, you know that right?”

  “I don’t want his money.”

  “Jeez Abbie, they owe you. Take it all and don’t feel guilty. Not for one second.”

  “I can’t.”

  “I’m not saying do it forever, just don’t stress about money. Marla will help you find another job. Take your time and find the right one. Until then, your mortgage is covered.”

  The tears started falling again. I looked at her and said, “But no one will hire me, they’ll all know this story. My reputation is ruined.”

  39

  By Thursday, I’d convinced Jenny she could leave me alone. That I would be okay. That Jay wasn’t going to turn up at my door.

  Fortunately, I’d already done up my resume from before Calvin got fired. I debated whether to include my promotion, but realized one week in a job I’d slept my way into didn’t belong anywhere near it. I sent it off to Marla and waited.

  Maybe I should leave Chicago. Start over some place new. I could go somewhere warm, like Miami or LA. But Jenny was right. There was no hurry, I could take my time. I had to take my time, to make sure I made the right decision instead of rushing into something stupid and making things even worse.

  Except there was nothing to rush. Marla didn’t get any nibbles let alone any bites. Each day the weight in the pit of my stomach grew and grew. I cast my net wider, sending out my resume to every online job site I could find.

  After ten days, my intercom buzzed. I was home alone and I panicked it was Jay. Instead it was a woman with a team of men carrying flowers. I let them in, and they replaced all the old flowers with fresh ones. She directed them and went around to each vase until every display looked perfect. Who knows what she thought of all those perfect flower arrangements crammed into such a tiny condo. Maybe I shouldn’t have let them in.

  Ten days after that, they came back again and repeated. I let them in willingly this time, at this point the flowers
were the only thing keeping me sane.

  Three weeks after the email, there still had been no hint of a job. Not even a tiny sniff.

  And no word from Jay either. Nothing. Other than the flowers there had been no expensive gifts. No texts. No silver envelopes. Good, that’s what I wanted. He’d gotten the picture. I did not want him in my life.

  After four weeks I realized I hadn’t been outside in a month. Jenny and Sam had come nearly everyday and brought me everything I’d needed. Kept me company. Comforted me in my frequent freak outs and melt downs.

  But now I needed to get outside. To breathe fresh air. To walk. If my legs still remembered how after all my sitting around.

  Autumn was closing in fast, and I opened my coat closet to pull out a fleece. As soon as I’d opened the door, my eyes fell on the Burberry trench coat. I’d forgotten all about it. And the rest of the gifts. Blocked them from my mind. Even the diamond jewelry. I had to send them all back to him. Perhaps Sam could do it. Bundle them in her arms and drop them on his desk. Cheaper than a courier service anyway.

  My fingers stroked the smooth fabric, and I considered wearing it out before moving my hand to my fleece.

  I grabbed my keys and left. To go nowhere in particular. I wandered around, walking for twenty minutes. I went into a store to stock up on chocolate bars. Because I lived so centrally, I was in the midst of the hustle of the city.

  The store was busy with the lunchtime office rush and I’m sure people were looking at me. Sniggering and pointing. Laughing at what everyone knew about me. But beyond them, I noticed a man in a Cubs ball cap who I swear I saw near my condo when I first exited the building.

  I grabbed my purchases and sped walked home. By the time I reached my condo, my heart was pounding and my breath ragged.

  I was greeted by a roomful, no, a condo full, of massive empty vases. I guess they’d become invisible in my month holed up with them, but now they were plain to see. They were big, empty, pointless. Like me.